FOBTM (Fear of Being Too Much)
Fear of being too much (FOBTM)
Fear of being too…….
Fear of being too much is something I’ve struggled with most of my life with little or no awareness of it. I was born a wild, free, creative spirit into this world full of people that consider these attributes very dangerous. “Don’t rock the boat” or “you’re thinking a little too deeply about this” were phrases I heard frequently throughout my life. Growing up I learned to internalize these phrases and hide from my own “light.” I frequently ignored the call of my spirit to engage in my creativity that so badly wanted to be expressed. When I was in the process of choosing a college major, I changed my mind a lot, bouncing from one “practical major” to another focusing solely on what will land me the most “stable” or “safe” job. That is how it is, right? Just find a steady job that will allow you to blend right in with everyone else. Don’t color outside the lines, please. Keep it steady, black and white only. Use your left brain logical thinking side and forget about feelings and intuition.
For years I was angry about this and I always held the belief that logic can get you from point A to point B and imagination and creativity will get you anywhere. In the midst of being angry about this, what I didn’t immediately become aware of as someone who is predominately right brained, is before we can “go anywhere” with our imaginations and creativity, we have to learn how to get the logic part down first. I used to get frustrated when other people were unable to see my perspective on things in life and then I realized that it was because I did not embrace the fullness of myself. I was seeking external validation of my experience for something that needed to be addressed and healed from within me. So what do humans typically do when we have resistance come up? Run and self-sabotage in some kind of way as a means to manage the overwhelm of this desire to shine our light to the world.
I need to stop myself when I begin the self-sabotage cycle. This usually happens when I am in the creative flow of writing and working on my online business,. The self-sabotaging usually shows up as a desire to add more to my plate. For example, I had the idea to sign up for yoga teacher training last summer and while that sounds like a great idea in theory, the reality was that I was already doing 4,209 other things (well not really…you get the idea) and it was just me throwing something else in my trail so I wouldn’t move forward and “be too much” or “too successful for my own good.”
So where does FOBTM come from exactly? At some point in our lives, we were told that we were too much. Whether this was intended or not, a direct of a subconscious message from well-intentioned people in our lives, the message is always received the same way. Somebody viewed us “shining our light” as too much for them to handle and therefore viewed it as a threat to their own egos or agendas. This person would often say mean things to belittle or to invalidate this person’s experience of the world, therefore keeping him or her in silence.
How do we push past the small part of ourselves that so badly wants us to stay invisible and safe? We do more creative and playful activities to awaken to who we truly are. It just needs to start with one small step and focused intention. It involves healing of our inner selves and sometimes telling that voice in your head that wants you to stay small to fuck off already. Yep I said it. So even if you don’t feel like doing anything today, just put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Soon enough, you will see the light you were meant to shine to the world and that FOBTM will slowly begin to dissipate with time.