How My Marriage Allowed Me to Embrace My Truth
This was a picture taken of me and my husband, Brett at our wedding shower in June of 2013. It was about a month before we tied the knot in front of about 130 of our family members and friends. I remember feeling overwhelmed by the thought of getting married and officially beginning my adult life. I was 27 years old and there were still very broken parts of me that so badly needed healing, yet I felt societal pressure to jump into a marriage because that was just the next logical step. Brett and I had been dating at that point for over three years and had been friends for about nine years. There was no doubt in my mind that I loved this man with all my heart, it was just from a very broken, lonely heart; a reflection of my emptiness at this point in my life
I honestly believed getting married would repair all the empty spots in my heart and make the longing to start my own business and embrace a lifestyle of complete freedom disappear. My career history was sketchy to the average person’s eye. Most of my twenties, I was in exploratory mode trying to figure out “where I fit in.” I had no problem with my skills, I interviewed very well and could easily be very successful in many of the jobs I was in. My issue then (and what is a BLESSING now) was that I became bored very quickly, lost interest in the process of climbing a corporate ladder, and would quit before I became what society calls “successful” in my career endeavors. I jumped quickly from retail management, to serving in restaurants, and coffee shops, selling coffee machines and doing coffee and tequila demonstrations in stores, walking dogs, and working in human resources and training for many different industries. I also got a Master’s Degree in Organizational Leadership and started (but didn’t finish) a Master’s in Counseling Psychology (more on that later) thinking that would finally be the ticket to my happiness. Not quite. What I knew all along and was hiding from was hiding from the truth that I am a renaissance soul , a dilettante, a Jill of all trades, master of none, a freedom-seeker, lover of many things, a multi-passionate entrepreneur. Put quite simply, I love many things and I want to live all aspects of my life on my own design and my own agenda.
The truth of who we are can often take a long time to unfold. Of course this is not everyone’s experience, it was certainly mine. I got sober on New Year’s Day 2016 and life started getting so much more clear to me . While I was working in a job I enjoyed, I knew I wanted to start my own online wellness business for women. I made the decision to go all in, no matter how long it took me to make it happen. Things began to shift pretty quickly in my life. I started working with a business coach, began building my own website, got an article published in Mind, Body, Green, and started blogging a lot more. Friendships started becoming more meaningful to me and I stopped taking life so seriously. I started to talk to more people and get to know them on a very personal, deeper, and meaningful level. I realized I am lovable for being exactly as I am, true to myself, and that I am capable of connecting easily with other people in an authentic way. I began to fall in love with everyone I interacted with as each person had his or her own life story and something very special to share from personal experiences. These authentic relationships in my experience lead me to question my marriage with my husband. Was I showing up in this big part of my life in the most authentic and loving way?
I soon began to realize I was not. We were falling into a rut, a routine that I was becoming very comfortable. I questioned if this was all there was to life? Other married couples around us seemed somewhat content with the way their lives were going and began starting families and moving up the ranks in their respective careers. I began to question if I was with the right man, if I really had what it takes to start a business, to become the person I am truly meant to be in my heart from a place of complete truth. I was becoming attracted to other people and I wondered if this meant that my marriage was ending and we were heading for divorce. It felt like that was the case, the momentum of my thoughts began to build up until I could not ignore the truth anymore. I began avoiding my husband, talking to him less, and not wanting to have sex that often. He quickly caught on to how I was acting so I eventually told him the truth of how I felt. I told him I was not sure if I wanted to be married anymore. I expected him to be upset but surprisingly, he supported how I was feeling and gave me all the space to share what was on my mind; something that completely took me by surprise. He told me he wanted to do everything to make our marriage work, to become closer as a couple. I told him I wasn’t sure if my feelings would change but I was willing to give it everything I had to give it a shot. We began marriage counseling and things began to quickly shift for both of us.
EFT, the type of therapy we are currently doing, allowed us to both become more aware of our own emotions, the affect they have on each other, and our roles in the partnership. This was very powerful for me because I slowly began to realize that I was doing most of the giving in the relationship and I began to get very angry about it. I started to feel better about receiving and doing whatever they hell I wanted to. I stopped apologizing for being true to my heart and gave myself permission to be totally authentic. The fact my husband has been so committed to change like I am has helped me realize why I love him and chose to take the marriage journey with him. We are still going through the steps and learning more about ourselves everyday. I always say it is far easier to be single than it is to be married. When we marry another person, we become interdependent on them, while striving to stay true to our heart’s truest desires. Our happiness becomes their happiness and the more authentic we can be in this partnership, the better off the marriage will be in the long run. I am not sure if my husband and I will end up together or decide to go our separate ways, I can say now though, that I am awake to the truth and it has completely changed my life and my marriage forever.